This is another piece of my story I feel that I need to share. It is about a very sensitive subject and some of you may be uncomfortable with what I share, however, this truly was my experience. I thank God for what I learned during this period of time. I wrote this in June of 2017.
In the beginning of 2017, I started feeling like I needed to step it up spiritually. I would set goals and not do them. Sometimes I would listen to a talk in the morning while I was up in [my son’s] room nursing him first thing in the morning but for the most part I was pretty apathetic. I basically stopped saying my prayers. If I did say them it was just a quick little repetitive prayer. I felt like something was lacking and I knew I was living beneath my privileges. I felt empty in a lot of ways and guilty that I was not doing what I knew I was capable of. I was making excuses for my lack of motivation and action.
Also, during this time I was really getting obsessed with cooking. I was thinking about food 24/7. I was dreaming about recipes. I was watching cooking shows, reading recipe books and all around obsessed and addicted to food. I didn’t see it as a problem at first but eventually I realized that I was addicted to food, particularly sugar. I have been off and on diets, fads, exercise plans, etc for the last few years and I think it caused me to view food in an unhealthy way. Anyway, one day I had an unhealthy amount of treats and I realized I had a problem. I confessed to my husband, because most of this eating and obsessing was happening when I was alone. He suggested I take the Yale Food Addiction Survey to see if I met the criteria for a full blown addiction or if I was just being dramatic. Sure enough, after taking the survey I met the criteria for a diagnostic food addiction. I knew I needed help so I started obsessing about food addiction and how to break free. It became my new obsession. I read several books about sugar addiction and even a memoir of a woman who went a year without sugar. I got new cookbooks about how to cook without sugar and began doing a combination of a few sugar detox diets. I thought I was solving my problem but this backfired. I became more upset and dependent. I felt like I couldn’t control myself. I was miserable and frustrated that this thing was controlling me. I felt weak and very distracted from what I wanted to be focusing on. I also knew that the food addiction was really just a sign that I was in an unhealthy place emotionally and spiritually as well. I was turning to food to calm my emotions or when I was bored or lonely. My weight fluctuated slightly but this was not my main concern.
Anyway, I eventually abandoned the detoxes and stopped any effort to fight my addiction. I was still out of control but trying not to beat myself up about it as much.
I went home to visit my parents in the middle of April after Easter. I was there for almost 2 weeks. I hoped this would be a chance to start fresh and get inspired and actually follow through on some of my spiritual goals. Around that time my mom introduced me to a man who taught gospel topics via podcasts. His name is Mike Stroud. I listened to them every once in awhile. Anyway, one topic he speaks about is evil and unclean spirits. I had heard about this before and even cast out evil spirits before but he talked about the distinction between evil spirits and unclean spirits. This was new to me. He said that evil spirits are those who rejected the gospel plan in the premortal life and chose Satan. Unclean Spirits are those who have died in their sins and still have addictions or things tying them to the telestial world. They surround us as well. He spoke about their influence and it reminded me of something I had learned about their influence specifically with addiction.
One night when I was in the shower I was pondering this doctrine and I thought, “What if the reason I have struggled so much with this food thing is because I have a “hungry” unclean spirit that has attached himself or herself to me. He or she is feeding off my addiction to sugar and food and it is pulling me down.” I decided that I might as well cast them out and invite holy angels and loved ones who have passed on and those yet to come to my family to protect me and surround me. I didn’t feel an immediate change. I felt good about it but I honestly didn’t think much about it until a day or two later when I realized that I hadn’t thought or obsessed about food in over 24 hours. I effortlessly made it from breakfast to lunch without trying to plan a snack or eat an enormous amount of food at meals. I simply ate and at times didn’t even finish my food. I went from meal to meal without thinking about food. I didn’t care to watch cooking shows and felt like that phase was over. This was a miracle. To me, this was such a faith building experience. I suffered so much from this addiction. No matter how hard I tried, I could not break free or convince myself that I was capable of having a life without this burden. But I am free. It has been over 2 months and I rarely think about sugar or even food. I don’t worry about when I am going to get my next
meal and what it will consist of. It is and has been such a beautiful blessing.
This freedom truly gave me a jumpstart on the rest of my journey which has now become much greater than I ever thought possible. I am so grateful!