This was a talk I gave on May 15, 2016. The topic was revelation. I spoke honestly about my struggle to find God in a dark time and many individuals approached me that day and much later to share how grateful they were to hear my open and vulnerable story of personal faith.
In the last year, I have gone through a trial of faith, I guess you could call it. My testimony was diminished to a mustard seed as described in the scriptures. [I now realize this was not the right way to describe my faith at the time...a mustard seed of faith is a lot. (Matt 17:20)] Suddenly, I didn’t know what I believed. There may be many of you who have had this experience at some point in your life where your faith was tested either by a trial or when you were put in a position to defend what you believe and suddenly didn’t feel prepared to do so.
I have always believed in the God, Jesus Christ and His gospel as taught in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I had never questioned it. I served a mission where I saw many miracles, saw individuals change and testified of the gospel However, all of those faith building experiences and my childhood gospel lessons seemed dim. I felt like in some ways I couldn’t trust them anymore. So I mourned over my lost faith for a few months while still continuing to attend church and go through the motions. I was sad and confused.
The only reason I tell you this is that my talk today is on personal revelation. That was the part of my testimony that was shattered in a sense. However, it is also what helped me to rebuild my faith.
So today I am going to share with you some things I learned about revelation along with my story or my journey as I will call it.
Elder Bednar gave a talk in 2011 when he spoke about the Spirit of Revelation. He uses experiences we have had with light to describe the different kinds of impressions we may receive from God.
He says, “The first experience occurred as we entered a dark room and turned on a light switch. Remember how in an instant a bright flood of illumination filled the room and caused the darkness to disappear. What previously had been unseen and uncertain became clear and recognizable. This experience was characterized by immediate and intense recognition of light.”
He continues, “A light turned on in a dark room is like receiving a message from God quickly, completely, and all at once. Many of us have experienced this pattern of revelation as we have been given answers to sincere prayers or been provided with needed direction or protection, according to God’s will and timing. Descriptions of such immediate and intense manifestations are found in the scriptures, recounted in Church history, and evidenced in our own lives. Indeed, these mighty miracles do occur. However, this pattern of revelation tends to be more rare than common.”
Some examples of this for me have been some of those memorable missionary experiences when you prayed about where to go and were guided to a certain house and BOOM! There was a family there who needed to hear an uplifting message at that exact moment. This happened to me once when my companion and I were led to a home of a man who said he was contemplating suicide when his doorbell rang. Or when my grandmother had the distinct impression while doing dishes, to run into her bedroom, stand on the bed and look into her neighbor’s backyard where she saw her youngest son drowning in their pool and was able to call out to someone who could save him.
I have heard and been uplifted by many stories such as these. However, as Elder Bednar states, they tend to be more rare than common. It would be a mistake if we expected this quick of a response every time. I personally can testify of the growth I have seen in myself and others during the struggle to find and receive an answer.
The second experience takes place as we watch night turn into morning. Elder Bednar asks, “Do you recall the slow and almost imperceptible increase in light on the horizon? In contrast to turning on a light in a dark room, the light from the rising sun did not immediately burst forth. Rather, gradually and steadily the intensity of the light increased, and the darkness of night was replaced by the radiance of morning. Eventually, the sun did dawn over the skyline. But the visual evidence of the sun’s impending arrival was apparent hours before the sun actually appeared over the horizon. This experience was characterized by subtle and gradual discernment of light.”
“The gradual increase of light radiating from the rising sun is like receiving a message from God “line upon line, precept upon precept” (2 Nephi 28:30). This pattern of revelation tends to be more common than rare.”
I have many more experiences with this pattern of revelation. I would use this analogy to describe some of my personal journey.
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Once my testimony had crumbled, I felt that I needed to learn more about these concerns I was having simply to know what I wanted to teach my children. I knew that I could not continue to attend and simply go through the motions but needed to be actively engaged in finding answers and re-visiting the doctrines and principles of the gospel to determine what I believe. Now this was and has been a long process and is still ongoing because I have much more light to receive.
I decided to start with the basics. I opened Preach My Gospel to the first lesson taught by missionaries and studied each principle one by one. I read scriptures, prayed, read thoughts and ideas about these things from other religions and even what some would consider to be anti-mormon literature.
I wasn’t having any “lightbulb” moments despite the fact that I felt I was putting in the time, effort and prayers to get a clear answer. I felt that I was learning a lot and was coming to understand different points of view much more clearly. But I still felt as if I was missing what I was waiting and looking for. But I persisted.
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The final description Elder Bednar uses to describe personal revelation is what I experienced most in my journey (as I am calling it).
“Sometimes the sun rises on a morning that is cloudy or foggy. Because of the overcast conditions, perceiving the light is more difficult, and identifying the precise moment when the sun rises over the horizon is not possible. But on such a morning we nonetheless have sufficient light to recognize a new day and to conduct our affairs. In a similar way, we many times receive revelation without recognizing precisely how or when we are receiving revelation.”
This is exactly what I was experiencing. I suppose I was having moments of insight and some were more distinct than others but I didn’t see the sun in the sky. I couldn’t determine the light of day from the haze.
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Up to this point the things I worried the most about were things I had heard about Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon. There are, of course, many theories about how the Book of Mormon came to be that don’t involve God’s hand and many possible motives that are not pure on Joseph’s part. I read the theories and read about Joseph Smith’s life from what I determined were unbiased sources (or as unbiased as you can get). I am still in the process of finishing those books. But the one thing I had put off was reading the Book of Mormon.
Finally, after reading everything about the Book of Mormon except the book itself, I opened the book again for the first time in months and set a goal to finish it by a certain date. At first, I was hesitant and half-hearted in my reading. I was going through the motions but as time went on I began to feel hope again. The light had started to grow and the sun was rising on my dark night.
In fact, one night I was driving home from visiting a friend [Julio the therapist] and I realized, “I am truly happy again.” I recognized the change and felt so much peace. I felt that one of the changes I had made was to start reading the Book of Mormon again. I had been very consistent about my reading and was starting to feel the spirit increase in my life. I noticed that I was trusting more in God, feeling more patient and willing to submit to His will. Even if my life was not as I planned, it was and is good and God is taking care of me and my family. He knows what is best and I believe that ultimately I will be happier because of it.
My journey still continues. I am not as sure of things as I once was but in a lot of ways that requires me to trust in God much more. I cannot say that I have a perfect knowledge or even a testimony without a “shadow of a doubt” but I see light.
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One additional thing I feel is important to share is that like I mentioned before, one of the things I was afraid of was that I couldn’t trust answers I got from God. Many individuals receive promptings that appear to contradict each other. If God cannot lie, then how can he give answers to 2 people that cannot both be true. How can we trust answers from God?
Well, one night, as I was talking with someone [the bishop] about my struggles, I was asked to think of times when I received answers from God that I felt I could trust. This had and has happened many times.
I thought back on a specific time on my mission when I wrote a prayer out every Sunday night. In it, I would ask a question. Sometimes it was about an investigator, or a doctrine I didn’t understand or even something I needed to make a decision about when I arrived home again. The following Sunday, I would read the prayer from the previous Sunday along with the question and every single time, I had received an answer to my question during that week and would write about my answer that night as I wrote a new prayer and question. I CHOSE to believe that that answer and clarity I received was inspiration from God and I acted on those thoughts. In those instances I felt blessed by following those impressions. To me, those were ways God was reminding me that He was listening to my prayers. Did I always love the answer I got? No. Was the answer always as clear as I hoped? No. But I felt that God was directing me.
So, as I thought back on this time as well as many other moments when I have felt and followed promptings, I felt and had the desire to believe, which we learn from the scriptures, is all we need to begin a journey such as mine. I had a seed of faith which was enough.
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There are many things I do not KNOW. That is a tricky word. We often say we KNOW that the Church is true. Or we KNOW the Book of Mormon is the word of God. What I think most of us mean is that we believe those things. We have faith that they are true. The Savior rejoices in those who believe without knowing. He said to Thomas, “Blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.” We don’t need to have a perfect knowledge of things. Belief is enough for now.
However, I do KNOW what I have seen and felt. I have felt the gospel bring me joy. I have felt peace as I have taught about the Savior and His teachings. And I have seen people change as they have made efforts to come closer to God, myself included.
I love God and I believe that He knows what is best for me. I believe that life continues after death and that I can live with my loving husband and sweet babies again. I believe that the Savior has made this possible. I am so grateful for personal revelation and how it has helped me to make decisions, find peace and learn truth.
I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.