In the interest of my husband's privacy, his name and some details have been changed. He is Matt Jones. There were some personal details that I left in because they were key to understanding the story.
I wrote this in November of 2015.
My husband and I were married in the temple. In fact, I met him on my mission. He was the AP for half my mission (9 months). Many missionaries admired him. He was extremely obedient and hard working. I remember as a joke, missionaries would ask each other WWJD... (What would "Jones" do?) He was a wonderful teacher and leader who made an impression on many people...especially me. Once we both had arrived home from our missions and I was back in Provo for school I sought him out. I asked him to come help me move my sister into the dorms. Bold. I know. ;) Anyway, we fell head over heels for each other and were engaged within 3 months of exclusively dating. There was and is no doubt in my mind that this was what God wanted for us. We had so many sweet experiences together that we called "Celestial Moments". I used to judge those "fast movers" who would date and get engaged quickly but sometimes you just know.
While we were dating he started working for the MTC in the referral center. The pay was great for a college job. He was an employee who answered "chats" on mormon.org. This was typically handled by missionaries but he got the argumentative and pranking overflow chats. Someone who had previously come on mormon.org to chat who had been tagged with either of those labels (argumentative or prankster) would be funneled to the employees so the missionaries could focus on the "sincere seekers". Long story short, he worked there for 4 years and then started medical school in August (2015). It was a long journey for him but it ended with him choosing not to attend church. He no longer believed the church was true. It was a private battle he fought so it was surprising for many of us close to him.
As you can imagine, this was devastating for me. This was all I knew of him. He was a spiritual pillar of strength.
During the month of October, Matt (name has been changed) and I had several conversations that were painful and devastating. I hoped he would feel the absence of the spirit and return. He stopped attending church and spiritual things became a huge source of contention. I was heartbroken that what I had always hoped for (my ideal future family) was now no longer in sight. Although I was upset about this, I do love Matt and want to stay with him. He is a good man with good desires.
One day when I was pondering about Matt and our situation, I decided it would be helpful for me to tell the bishop and possibly ask if he could recommend a therapist for me. I had thought about going to see a counselor earlier in our marriage when Matt would have bouts of depression and anxiety and would sometimes “dump” his worries to me. This was very hard to carry and is very common for a spouse of someone with depression. Anyway, I spoke with the bishop who was very supportive and even offered to pay for a few sessions of counseling with the ward fund.
During my first meeting with Julio, the therapist, we spoke mostly about Matt and tried to figure out what might be the real definition of what he was suffering with regarding depression. Julio did not think it was depression. We never came to an official conclusion because he isn’t able to diagnose someone who he hasn’t seen. [Matt has since been diagnosed with anxiety and depression.] The second time, I spoke mostly about my difficulty with Matt’s stance and opinion about the church. This was also helpful to me. Up to this point I had spoken with my parents and Karen, Matt’s mom, about it. Both were praying and fasting for Matt and I and would listen when I needed to talk.
At the end of October Matt asked that we not talk about church related things or even listen to church music when he is around. He felt that his frustration about religion was spilling over into his ability to be a good husband. So he asked that he be given a chance to focus on being a good husband and father. Although I was saddened that I would not be able to speak about religious things, I only felt it fair to give him a chance to be who he wanted to be. So I agreed to not speak about the Church or spiritual things for the month of November. He also asked that I give him any suggestions for things he can work on to be a better husband (not of a spiritual nature). I asked if he would come to counseling with me which he agreed to do. We went shortly after.
Matt and I spoke with Julio mostly about the religious conflict we had and how it was affecting us. After listening to us, Julio suggested that Matt confront his family and mine about his feelings about the Church. He said the fact that we were both hiding it made it more difficult on me. I often had to lie about situations or things to cover up Matt’s decision to distance himself from the church. Matt resolved to tell the family in an email. He felt it would allow the family to ponder this and hopefully come to grips with it before he had to see them personally. He also felt that he could more fully explain his thoughts and feelings about his experience and decision.
A few days after this we had discussions about the timing of the email and about how our families would receive it. Because of these discussions we essentially decided to discontinue the “not talking about it” agreement. With several more discussions on the topic of religion, some more painful than others, he sent me a link to a letter written by a disenchanted member who had done extensive research and sent his findings to a CES instructor to answer his questions. Although the writer had already made up his mind that the church was not true, he presented the evidence as if he was open to alternative explanations. Matt didn’t ask me to read it but he hoped I would. I felt quite uncomfortable about this and prayed about what I should do.
A few days later, I was at Deseret Book buying a painting of Christ with my birthday money when I came across a book called, “Shaken Faith Syndrome”. It is written by a Mormon apologist (believer who answers questions to arguments against the church in a logical way). He is a writer for fairmormon.org. Matt used this site often for understanding and research when answering questions to people he chatted with on mormon.org while working at the MTC. I felt like this book would allow me to hear the concerns that Matt had about Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon while still hearing a perspective that would allow me to hold on to my faith if I wanted to.
I started to read this book at home but didn’t tell Matt because of our earlier agreement not to discuss religious things. The beginning outlined the process of hearing information that was not in line with what the individual believed about the church and then about the cognitive dissonance that ensued. It was very helpful for me to see and understand this process along with other helpful descriptions about this quest. I didn’t get to the questions and concerns section of the book but was working on getting there.
During this time, the Church came out with the new policy about children of homo-sexual parents. There were a few other changes made along with this. One was that homo-sexual cohabitation and/or marriage is considered apostasy and requires church disciplinary action. (Not surprising to me). But children of homo-sexual partners are no longer allowed to be baptized until the age of 18 and at that point require first presidency approval. I knew that there was likely only a small number of individuals or families even affected by this policy but it seemed hateful and wrong to me. The night I found out, I cried for a while and was very upset for the next few days. Ultimately through prayer and reading statements from the church and other valid sites about this change I was able to understand it better and be at peace.
Shortly after, I was thinking about Matt’s email he was planning to send. I began to worry about my family’s reaction (particularly my siblings) and felt that it might be better for me to approach them before he sent it and explain from my loving perspective what I had gone through and how I was able to accept this. That night, I had a dream that I told Brad (my brother). He was sad for me and less judgemental than I had expected. Of course this was just a dream. So I approached Matt about this idea to talk to my siblings beforehand and he was not supportive.
The next day, we were talking about it again when Matt decided to tell me some of the things that made him feel so uncomfortable and feel that the church is not true or right.
He told me about accounts of Joseph Smith and polygamy that he had heard of that disturbed him. Quite frankly, they disturbed me as well. I was upset all morning and once he left the house, I bawled like a baby in the fetal position for 10 minutes or more. I prayed to Heavenly Father asking if the Church is true or not. I promised that I would do my due diligence to study, read all that I could, and pray for understanding.
I want a firm and undeniable testimony that it is true even after learning and reading evidence and facts that may not shed light on the most perfect parts of church history. I do not intend to read anti-mormon literature that is bias and written to tear down the church and its doctrine. I am, however, in search of material that can present the facts, no matter how uncomfortable. I hope in the end that I can feel, without rationalizing, that Joseph Smith is a true prophet, that The Book of Mormon is the word of God and that there is a Prophet on the earth today that speaks for God. Where non-believers are filling in gaps (where we don’t have all the facts) with speculation, I am okay with filling in the gaps with faith. Their speculation is not founded on any more evidence than my faithful answers.
(Read My Personal Trial of Faith Story)
(Read also One Moment That Changed Me)
(Another lesson I learned from my husband's faith change)