Here is an experience that happened almost 2 years after my husband stopped attending church with us. I learned about my role as a wife in this situation.
This post will make more sense if you read my other post about my experience when he made this decision and how I dealt with it.
May 2017
Matt has been preparing for his STEP 1 exam and I have mentioned to him many times that he should pray to receive help from Heavenly Father. I told him that God wanted him to make a sacrifice for Him to show that he truly believes God will and can help him. At one point I started to break down some of those boundaries Julio taught me about. Instead of letting Matt make his own decisions, I tried to influence him or convince him that he should turn to God. I have felt so blessed from my experiences that it breaks my heart that Matt is choosing to distance himself from God. Well, Satan loves to change his tactics on us as soon as we start to see growth. He started to work on my pride. Here is a journal entry from an important learning experience:
May 21, 2017
I have had a hard morning. I was really hoping Matt would choose to come with us to church today and partake of the sacrament. I even got [my son] ready instead of putting him down for a nap so Matt wouldn’t feel like he needed to stay home with him. [My daughter] asked Matt to come with us to church. He said no. He didn't even get out of bed [where he was studying]. I was disappointed and discouraged by his choice. I had a good little cry which I haven't done about Matt in a while. I was snappy with the few words I did say to Matt. I got the kids fed, ready and in the car. Then I went back in and apologized for my behavior and said that although I'm disappointed, I respect his right and ability to choose for himself.
I realize now that I was hoping Matt would make a good choice but that is not what our hope should be in. It should be in the Savior and his atonement; only that can be an anchor to our souls. We can be sure and steadfast to that. In Lehi's dream he saw the iron rod. Those that held steadfastly to the iron rod, although they did pass through mists of darkness (and I'm sure sorrow) were able to make it to the Tree of Life to partake of the love of God. Then, those who remained humble and knelt down at the foot of the tree remained faithful. We cannot turn and worry about the great and spacious building. It will cause us to question and maybe even forget what we have felt. "Lean not unto thine own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5) or anyone else's understanding for that matter. If my hope is in Christ then I can see beyond my current circumstances and sorrow. I want these experiences of sadness to refine me, not discourage me.
Isaiah 58:11 says "And the Lord shall guide you continually and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones and thou shalt be like a watered garden and a spring of water, whose waters fail not."
Of course Satan will attack me as soon as I begin reaching out and up to God. I should have expected to experience trials. God is allowing this to happen so I can be tested and prove myself to God...that I will remain faithful, turn to him and prepare myself for more growth, Holiness and future tests and glory.
I now lay my discouragement and pain on the altar that it may be altered or changed into HOPE. I'm ready to find true hope in the Savior. I need Him and I choose to have faith and hope that He can and will heal me and those I love as soon as we turn and ask for it. How beautifully simple it is. We must allow him to make more of us than we currently are.
After church was over I went home and got the babies some lunch. Matt came out of the room because he was going to study at school. We got into a discussion that turned into an argument. He asked that I let him make his own decisions and stop telling him what to do. He said that I'm judging him. I explained that I'm upset because I feel like he is a sick person who is refusing medicine. When he rejects it, I'm sad because I want him to be happy and well. We both said some things that we shouldn't have said. Then we both moped and thought for a few minutes. Finally Matt said, "It's not that I don't think God can help me or that I shouldn't do some of the things you have suggested. It's just that when I'm having a hard time, I want a friend, a partner and a safe place. I just want someone by my side who can say, 'I see that you are having a hard time.'" He got really emotional and so did I. I instantly felt so sorry for my attitude and treatment of him. Telling him what to do or giving him unsolicited advice is not my role. I am his help-meet. He needs me to listen and love, not problem-solve, criticize and judge. Satan is continuously changing his tactics on me and I was fooled. Once I hugged him and sincerely apologized I felt peace again. I knew my discouragement, sadness and anger were not from God but I felt like I was right. Satan's counterfeit for righteousness is self-righteousness. It is difficult to remain humble and submissive as you continue to learn and grow in the gospel. Especially if you feel like you are doing the right things. God tutored me today on
my role as a wife and what that should entail right now. My heart changed instantly. What a miracle. I asked to be taught and I was.