Whenever I hear people talk badly about themselves it makes me feel uncomfortable. You know what I am talking about: "I am fat. I am not smart enough. He/She won't like me. I can't finish that. I can't talk to people. I never win." etc.
I never saw myself as harsh or critical. I didn't think I shamed myself. I thought I gave myself plenty of space to grow and progress. I always saw myself as forgiving of my own weaknesses and flaws. "I am not a grudge-holder," I would say. But I have since learned that that is not true. I think we often shame ourselves internally without even knowing we are doing it.
For example, have you ever had a thought that you should or shouldn't do something? ie. Don't eat another cookie. Call that person. Don't tell that story about that person. Finish your homework/that project, etc. Of course. Have you ever ignored it, felt too weak to respond or caved to do something you felt you shouldn't do. Again, of course.
So now my question is: How did you respond to yourself after that? How did you view the situation?
Some may openly bash themselves: "I'm so weak. I can't do anything. Why do I always blow it?" Others may have these subconscious beliefs and thoughts but don't verbalize them. But many of us rationalize our actions. Many of us feel uncomfortable with our choice and if someone were to "call us out" and say we shouldn't have done it, we would get defensive. We try to bury the shame because we don't want to feel it. We are putting up walls so we can feel comfortable with our fallen nature and our weaknesses.
Mini-Tangent:
If you need help recognizing your weakness, pay attention to the things that bother you about others. When you see someone else's weakness and you are especially annoyed you are seeing yourself in that person. You are seeing your flaws in their flaws. You recognize the battle and the loss and it makes you feel uncomfortable and brings up pain and shame.
We don't want to admit this and often we deny that we have the same weaknesses as that person. For example, have you ever met an extremely opinionated person who just can't stand that someone is opinionated? What about a person who is controlling that can't handle when he/she thinks someone is trying to control him/her. What about someone who is naturally aggressive or has anger problems who gets very upset at his/her child when they act aggressive or angry.
I promise you this is a real thing. If you don't believe me, think about what behaviors of your child drives you the most crazy. It also works with your spouse or close family members...as long as you are willing to open up to the possibility that you have those tendencies as well.
When we see and recognize our weaknesses it is often painful. But where does this pain take us? Hopefully to our knees.
Ether 12:27 says:
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
Instead of getting defensive, we can look our weakness straight in the face and allow it to humble us. It hurts. It is uncomfortable. But it is just a feeling...that will end with healing.
What does this look like?
1. Acknowledge your weakness: "Yes. I have done/do this. I made a mistake. I need help."
Note: This is not the same as the bashing. "I am stupid. I am worthless. I am ugly." These are not humble thoughts. They are ironically prideful thoughts. You are likely comparing yourself to another person (real or created...perhaps your own expectations of who you should be) someone who is smart, talented and beautiful. You are not seeing your own worth and potential. You are pitting your success against someone else's success.
"Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, searching my soul? (Hymn 129)
2. Once you have identified and felt godly sorrow and the need for help, you consciously reach. Reach up. Picture the Savior in your mind. Bring your sorrow. Bring your weakness. Bring your raw and inflamed heart to Him.
"Where, when my aching grows, where, when I languish, where, in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can understand? He, only One." (Hymn 129 cont.)
How does the Savior respond to us when we come to Him?
Remember the story of Christ with the woman taken in adultery. Although she did not come unto Him of her own accord, watch how He responds to her in her sinful state.
First, He sees us. He sees our soul: our Divine Spirit and our weak flesh. He looks at us. He comes down to our level and kneels by our side. Again and again, He descends below all things. He approaches us where we are.
Next, The Savior is patient. He is in no hurry. He waits. He draws in the dirt with His hand. In my experiences with Him, this is one thing I have found to be consistent. He waits for us. He is not rushing us along. Often we feel the need to change immediately but He is there asking us to trust Him. He is there for us no matter how long it takes. There is no such thing as "too much time" to Him.
Then, just as in this story, there are many accusers who whisper in our minds that we must suffer. We cannot change. It will be too hard. We are beyond help. We are too weak to overcome. We hear a demand for punishment and condemnation. These are our accusers (a role of Satan himself in the pre-existence). Could it be that those voices that we claim as our own are Satan's army whispering in our ears? What does Christ do to the accusers before he even addresses the woman? He casts them away. He dismisses them.
Last, He approaches us and asks where our accusers have gone? He tells us that He does not condemn us. Jesus will not be disgusted by your weakness. He will not shame you. He will not show condemnation. He will not lecture you. He will point you in the right direction. "Go and sin no more."
In this story the woman is brought before Jesus by the accusers. She does not come for forgiveness on her own. It is possible that she wasn't even feeling remorse but just fear of punishment...we don't know. But when we approach the Savior on our own for forgiveness, it is then that He can heal the inner wounds or beliefs about ourselves (perhaps in the subconscious mind) that have kept us in our fallen state or weakness in this area. He mends our hearts.
"He answers privately, reaches my reaching in my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend. Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching. Constant he is and kind, Love without end."(Hymn 129 cont.)
Once we feel these feelings of weakness and pain, we have a choice.
1. We can bury the pain and rationalize. But one day our choices will catch up to us and we will feel like we are worthless for the times we have failed to be obey. I tell myself (or I hear in my head) that I can't conquer this temptation because I haven't been able to in the past. I am trusting in the arm of flesh and I know it will fail me.
2. We can stew in our pain and sin listening to the accusers. We can allow those harsh voices to depress us and cause us to feel weak and hopeless.
3. We can go to Him. God gives us this weakness to lead us to Him and His Son where the only true healing can occur.
“The great Mediator asks for our repentance not because we must ‘repay’ him in exchange for his paying our debt to justice, but because repentance initiates a developmental process that, with the Savior’s help, leads us along the path to a saintly character” (Bruce C. Hafen, The Broken Heart, p. 149)
Broken not Bad
We sin because we experience pain and fear and respond to that...not because we are inherently evil. There is a part of us that is broken and needs to be repaired. Jesus Christ is the Master Healer. He is the Great Physician. There is no other way but through Him that we can be healed and change. I truly believe that all healing, no matter the mode or method, utilizes the Atonement. It always comes back to the saving grace and healing power of the Light of Christ. Truth shines. It is the remedy.
One of President Boyd K Packer's most famous quotes teaches us that doctrine understood changes attitudes and behavior faster than the study of the behavior you wish to overcome. Perhaps you wish to stop swearing, lying, overeating, procrastinating, etc. The Savior is the Key.
Steven Cramer puts it beautifully in his book Putting on the Armor of God: How to Win your Battles with Satan. He says:
"When we get our attention off the symptoms we are compulsively acting out and learn to focus on Jesus Christ and his promises of deliverance, our lives will be changed. Focusing our thoughts on Christ instead of on our sins opens the door to our hearts and makes it possible for him to reach inside and remove the compulsions and desires for evil. Only when our attention is focused in the right place can he give us a new heart and nature. When Christ holds your attention, he will at last hold your heart and be able to make you free."