For the last 6 months at least, I have really struggled with my daughter. She is 3 1/2 years old and full of energy. The biggest difficulties have been with disobedience and violence with others (particularly with her younger brother). You might be thinking this is normal for her age...yes. Some of it is. But on the whole, her behavior has been more extreme.
Just to give some context, nearly every request made is met with physical aggression or defiance. No task is simply started and accomplished. Let's go potty. Let's pick up your toys. Let's put on your shoes. Let's take a bath. Let's close the back door. Please leave that item here. Come over here. Go over there. Let's get ready for bed. Every single request...not matter how small and seemingly insignificant and noncontroversial it is, is met with resistance and often a meltdown as well. Public tantrums are very common.
Also, hitting, scratching and punching, has increased from the occasional violent act toward brother to a daily response to anything she doesn't like or want and anyone asking her to do something to completely random acts of violence. My husband walked up to her the other day with a smile on his face and she just started scratching and hitting him.
I don't tell you these things to "villainize" her. I use it to explain what kind of emotions and struggles she is experiencing now.
Well, as my husband and I have recently been discussing the increase in this behavior, we are naturally scared and wondering what we can do to help her improve her behavior. In pure honesty (this is anonymous after all) I have let my own physical and emotional responses get out of control and often mirror her responses. Violence is often met with a frustrated and overly-firm grip. Screaming met with screaming. Stubborn refusal to back down met with stubborn refusal to back down. I am not proud of these responses but it is the reality of what we have had in our relationship.
Recently, my husband and I were in the car with our 2 kids and we were driving how from a long day of fun with family which didn't include a nap. When our young son fell asleep in the car we were so happy and tried to keep our daughter entertained and quiet. For a reason I don't remember, she burst out screaming. Then seeing our panicked response to her yelling out and waking up the baby she screamed louder with more intention to disturb his nap. My husband and I felt helpless and so frustrated. We just sat facing forward knowing if we encouraged her to quiet down it would only "egg her on".
As I sat and worried, I felt my blood boiling as she screamed louder and louder. In an outburst and attempt to control her I reached back and grabbed her hood. As I did so, I accidentally grabbed a few strands of hair and yanked. Naturally she yelled and cried louder. I was mortified at my behavior. I flipped back around in the passenger seat and cried for the remaining 30 minutes of the drive.
When we finally arrived at our destination, my husband got out of the car and took my son with him leaving my daughter and me. I turned around to face her and apologized for my inappropriate behavior. I can't tell you how many times in the last 6 months I have had to do this. I approach her and confess that I have to repent and I made a mistake and that I am so grateful for Jesus' blood that can wash me clean. Sometimes she will even say, "You need to repent Mom." Of course I do.
Then I unbuckled her from her carseat and pulled her up to sit on my lap. I asked her if we could be best friends. I am not sure where that came from. But she said yes. Then, she wagged her small index finger at me as she stated to me her terms of our friendship. "But...you have to be nice to me." I burst out laughing and crying at the same time. She is such a witty and clever child. Her voice and expression of this obvious requirement for a close friendship was laughable. She hit the nail right on the head. I cried at her simple solution to our relationship struggles.
Over the last few days I have used the phrases: "Best friends don't hurt each other." Or "would a best friend do that?" Or "best friends listen to each other." This is a reminder to her and to me about our agreement.
As I have prayed about what to do I have had a few insights:
One is that she is dealing with more than I know and understand. If she had a clearly diagnosed disorder or disease I would bend over backwards to make accommodations for her but because we don't have anything like that our view has been more about "Why can't you just be normal? If we make accommodations then we will be reinforcing this behavior." But I believe that God will teach me about what changes we can make as a family and things we can do to help her thrive.
Two is that the "treatment" she needs is pure unconditional love. Charity.
I prayed a while ago for charity. God has provided a NEED for me to desperately plea for charity. I believe He is tutoring me and will grant me this gift at some point along this journey.
When I was talking to my mother-in-law about this I told her that I didn't know how to show unconditional love. Sure, love her. But how do I respond to the behavior. I don't know what that looks like. She encouraged me to not say "I don't know how..." "You do know. It is there inside of you. You have just forgotten."
Then I found this quote in Light in the Wilderness by M. Catherine Thomas.
This charity I am seeking exists within me at this very moment. The giving of the gift is really a peeling away of the shell. Only the Savior can do that with His atonement.
Once again, the Savior is the answer to every problem and concern. He can and will teach us to love and accept others where they are right now.