I had a personal aha moment tonight.
To give some background, I have been studying about NLP lately: Neuro-Linguistic Programming. It is a method and technique to help people change the way their subconscious mind sees the world and their life. My understanding of it was that it is a form of therapy and techniques to help people let go of toxic thought patterns and things that hold them back from fulfilling their life goals and purpose. I was convinced that it was something I wanted to do. It is fascinating and very motivating. It is also often found in connection with hypnotherapy which I have been interested in for the last 6 months or so. Anyway, I found a 4-day training in February and (my husband) agreed to watch the kids while I am gone. I made a plan to earn the money and even looked at flights and a place to stay. I continued to learn about it yesterday and today.
Then I got a text from (my husband) this afternoon. He did some research about NLP and found some studies that show the inefficacy of these theories and techniques. I took this information as something to use in the numbing process…when I find something I am passionate about and want to do it, I often come up to a road block and do my best just to let it go and decide that I don’t care about it. But in all reality I feel defeated and discouraged. I feel like I will never find my “purpose”. This has happened countless times since choosing to stay home as a mother.
Tonight after the kids were in bed, (my husband) discussed his findings (about NLP) again to help me understand why he feels it is not something I should be putting my time and effort into. [Side-note: No final judgement on NLP. This was a platform for the deeper learning God wanted me to experience today.]
After shedding some tears about my constant search and the exhaustion that comes from wanting more but never feeling like I am enough, I realized the WHY for all of this.
I want to feel SIGNIFICANT. It is so hard to feel that way as a mother. Your job truly is thankless. It truly is monotonous and mundane for much of the day. Dishes. Cook. Diapers. Laundry. Cook. Dishes. Clean up toys. Sweep. Clean up another mess. More diapers. Bath time. Grocery store. More cooking. More dishes. Etc. You get the idea.
So I have been searching for something that would make me worth listening to, worth trusting, worth valuing. If I have a skill set that others value, then I will feel significant. If I have knowledge about something that others don’t have, then I can teach and therefore feel valued. This, my friends, has been the source of all my angst. I am trying so hard to be more. To learn more. To do more. To share more.
But that is the myth of self-esteem. Focusing on improving me will help me feel better…I believe this is only a half-truth. Ultimately, this has all been about my ego. It has all been about trying to become someone so I could get the approval of others. I want a round of applause for my life. I want some credit for all this trying.
Tonight while putting the kids to bed, I read them a book called, “Somebody loves you, Mr. Hatch”. It is such a sweet book.
The story is about Mr. Hatch who is a lonely man that keeps to himself. He works in a shoelace factory and does the exact same thing everyday all alone. He never smiles or acknowledges others. Then one day (Valentines Day) he gets a giant package in the mail. It is a huge heart-shaped box with hundreds of chocolates in it with a note that says, “Somebody loves you.” Mr. Hatch is shocked and can’t imagine who could have sent this to him. But he is changed. He puts on a tie, some aftershave and a wide grin as he leaves his home that day wondering if he just might meet his admirer. All the neighbors are so shocked to see this change. He begins to wave and greet each passerby. His solitary routine becomes “old hat” as he begins to converse with people on his regular route. He notices the needs of others and helps individuals and families, reaching out in thoughtful ways to each person. This new Mr. Hatch is always smiling, laughing, serving or throwing a party of some kind. He has made many new friends and is happier than ever.
Some time passes and he has forgotten about the heart box and has since ceased his search to discover his secret admirer’s identity. Then one day the mail carrier approaches him with a sad face and confesses that the heart he had delivered a few weeks ago was, in fact, meant for another individual. Mr. Hatch returns the empty heart box and the “Somebody Loves you” note. He is devastated. Feeling, once again, insignificant and unloved, he returns to his old “keeping to himself” routine. The neighbors notice a difference and wonder what has brought about this sad change. The mail carrier tells the neighbors about his mistake. Mr. Hatch’s new friends decide to show him that he truly is loved. They surprise him with a celebration and a “Everybody loves Mr. Hatch” sign outside his house. Mr. Hatch feels loved and significant again.
It wasn’t Mr. Hatch’s skills or knowledge that made him significant. It was his awareness of others and his love. It was his own vision of the significance of others that won the hearts of his neighbors.
I have been trying to build up my ego by developing well-thought-out opinions, a high personal standard of excellence, a level of deep spirituality that would mean I was and am significant to God and the people around me. I have been searching in the wrong places for the wrong thing. I just didn’t know it.
I have truly seen myself as “not enough”. I was trying to be something more so I could be loved and valued. In the process I ignored many beautiful people because I was trying to prove something to them.
What an important lesson.
I don’t need a certificate. I don’t need a license to share. I don’t need to be an expert. I don’t need to have some experiences spiritually that I think will make me significant. I am enough. I can rest in the truth that I am Divine. I have light to share. I have service to give. I have love to lift.
It is both a duty and a privilege to teach and love my children right now in this moment. No. It won’t be glamorous. Nope. That is not what the call of a disciple is. It is love.